a season of blessing

God has been taking me through a season of not only blessing, but helping me realize how blessed I truly am. The community here is amazing, each person is so welcoming and sweet and so interesting... it's so exciting because we all keep saying how close we are going to get over this period of time, yet we already have bonded in such a close way. The most beautiful part is that God has bonded us altogether. Although it's hard not to have preconceived notions about people (good or bad) by first impressions and such, I've realized that I've been looking at each person with welcoming and loving eyes because I appreciate their purpose here. I can see how much God loves each one and it's incredible how much my perspective has changed towards people now that I've begun to look at them through God's lens. I feel so blessed.

Saying that, I feel blessed because I'm in this fantastic season, but I've realized also that I'll still feel blessed in hardship. Either way, in the good or the bad, I will be in this season of blessing because it's God's way and it'll be for God's glory. The importance of outlook has struck me and I'm just learning that when we praise Jesus and look up to Him as love itself, His peace will be overwhelming. I'm ready. I am so ready. I've trained (however not completely) my mind to turn away from the thoughts that will harm or make vulnerable my spirit, and instead choose thoughts of love. The biggest thing for me is pride; pride not in a manner of overconfidence, but in one of selfishness. My pride causes me to desire to do what's beneficial for myself, to expect God to give me what I want, and to have others' pour out their care onto me. It's so deterring in a way that is sneaky, but God has begun to show me how holy He is and how little I am... I need to lower myself so close to the ground that there is no space between the dirt and my face. He is so Awesome, so Amazing, so Pure and so Holy and my pride is what is keeping me away from a life that is completely all out for Him. I know that when I break myself from that, I'll be able to hear Him so much more clearly. I will be able to stop going off tuition and feeling, but rather start living my life abandoned and wholly entrusted in Him. It's all about God. His presence would reign whether or not I'm alive and that is so humbling in itself. Take me on this journey, God. I'm ready and zealously willing to do whatever you want.

help me find my own flame

Before I left on this trip, I listened to Will Reagan's Live at the Banks' House album... a lot. There was one song that stuck out to me, however; here are some words to this song (Help Me Find My Own Flame) that described my feeling towards this next season on DTS:

I don't wanna ride on somebody else's passion
I don't wanna find that I am just dry bones
I want to live with unquenchable fire,
Deep down inside, see it coming alive
Help me find my own flame,
Help me find my own fire
I want the real thing,
I want the burning desire.

Guess what song we sang in worship at the Welcome Dinner... yep. You guessed it. Help Me Find My Own Flame. Shocker? Nah. God's awesome.

ma space among 12 lovely ladies!

the classic luggage pic and saying goodbye to the fambam :(

Music is so fulfilling. No matter who you are, music can fulfill. Find your own genre and there's something there that has the ability to fill you up and satisfy... it's such a universal concept and has grown with us. We crave it, we depend on it. Imagine a world without music. It seems so empty, so desolate, so hopeless.

Have you ever heard music so good that it hurt? So beautiful and perfect it makes you cry? Think of that song that is so rich and complete to you; one that stops you in your tracks and all you can do is close your eyes and take it all in. Listen to it right now.

It's like time stopped, right? Like nothing else in the world really mattered as much as what that song provided. But there's the thing, everything in that last sentence was past tense. It ended. The song ended and yeah we can hit repeat, but it doesn't change the fact that there was a beginning and an ending and nothing became new. But in that moment, there was a taste of forever and it hurt. It was so beautiful but it was sad because there was an emptiness.

The concept of eternity has been hitting me recently. More like smacking me in the face. It scares me, wakes me up in the middle of the night in a panic, and not because I'm scared of dying, but I'm scared of forever. I can't fathom the reality that after my body's clock stops ticking, I will immediately enter into this place that literally has no end. People think that believing in God is just an excuse to have peace about dying.. I think that is completely opposite. To me it is so much scarier to grasp ahold of this place where time doesn't even exist, a place that has no end; it seems easier to accept that once we die, that's it light's out for years to come.

But each part of us craves this eternity. It holds such beauty at the core that it hurts to understand it, but it fulfills... truly fulfills. Here in this life we can never really be happy; there are always goals and once we reach those, we create new ones, new desires, and new surroundings. Of course we can enjoy what this life has for us and experience it to it's extent, but it is inarguable that we won't ever satisfied. This isn't cynical, it's eye opening and makes the other end shine even brighter; I truly believe that nothing here on earth completely satisfies us because we have that yearning inside of us for the feeling that forever holds. Each one of us has that hole that God fills in eternity.

God is so freaking awesome!

So, the other day I was at my desk at work, sitting in my swivel chair with my headphones on, basically getting my worship on as much as I could being in a professional environment. As I was worshipping, God's presence totally fell on me and it was overwhelming! I could barely contain myself and my laughter so I went to the bathroom, locked the door and laid on the ground. I know I know, gross, but hey girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Quick back story, my right knee has been really bothering me for at least a month. I'm not really sure what I did to it to make it hurt so badly, but it was this daily pain and strain whenever I would walk or stand up and that particular morning I had woken up, gotten out of bed and right when I put pressure on it, it was killing me. Okay, so back to me laying on the bathroom floor. I was laid flat out on the ground just soaking God's goodness in, but in the back of my mind I had this sensation to pray for my knee. Usually I feel like when people pray for healing it is through another person; like it'll only work in groups or something. Boy was I wrong! So, I started praying a short prayer asking God to heal my knee and all the while, I'm smiling at how great God is for just being him, not even really focusing on my knee. What do you know, the pain was gone; literally vanished. When I stood up, I didn't feel any pain at all, but I was pretty nonchalant about it. I was super surprised that the pain was gone, but in my mind I was like, "Oh, I probably just can't feel any pain because I'm so happy or something." Fast forward to the rest of that day... no pain! And still, as of today I haven't had any pain since then! Seriously, God is REAL guys! He didn't need anyone to come pray strength over my knee, he healed it right then and there by myself. I know it seems crazy but all it took was me reveling in his beauty and focusing on him and he blessed me that day with healing of my knee.

Holy Ghost party anybody?! Whoop!